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Be assertive, brief and precise, not aggressive. Speak calmly, slowly, gracefully without anger or emotion. Don't provoke hostility, avoid sarcastic comments and threats, character assassinations, anger or putdowns statements. Avoid being 'nice' to an abuser - they will see this as weakness. Ignore any nasty comments and questions. Tactic: Mirror their behavior back to them. Adopt a 'get to the point' attitude, asking them how their day is going or how they're doing is annoying to them.
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Recognize their attempts to bait you and push your buttons to get a reaction. Don't reward his attempts.
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Few words and black/white utilitarianism communication works best (The belief that the value of a thing or an action is determined by its utility) (yes/no, if/then, either/or) problem/decision-based communication style. That's the language he understands. Calm indifference is effective "Yeah, whatever" Avoid overloading - mention one thing at a time.
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Don’t let your abuser change the subject. Keep refocusing on the topic. Walk away the instant he uses insults, sarcasm, criticism or the blame game. Boundaries are non-negotiable. Don't be a willing participant in your abuse.
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Remember - they are pathological liars. Asking questions is inviting lies. Assume everything is a lie to avoid disappontment.
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Learn to spot the differences between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (or insulting questions). Abusers hate asking questions, don't let them off the hook.
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Don't criticize or contradict. Try repeating his last 3 or 4 words phrased like a question, and encourage him to talk - you may be rewarded by what he discloses.
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Don't reveal things about yourself. Never show vulnerability.
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Pay attention to projection. You may learn what your abuser is up.
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Know what turns his crank – is it intellect, appearance, sexual, technical ability, past accomplishments? Give credit where credit is due. Narcissists need to be sprinkled with 'supply'.
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The art and science of boundaries includes letting some things slide, but zero tolerance of abuse.
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Make effective use of "The Look.”
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If you are a submissive person, learn assertive skills.
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Don't hesitate to say “No”, with no explanations. "That's my decision" is sufficient explanation. Practice saying "No" until you can say it as easily as 'good morning.' It can be done nicely being assertive, not aggressive. If you are not used to speaking like this you'll be glad to know you only need to rehearse it.
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Expect him to try to wear you down in creative ways. Enjoy the show.
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If ‘correction’ is needed, try the sandwich approach. Praise, followed by a gentle corrective statement, followed by praise for past good performance. In public, acknowledge good performance – most effective when done in front of an audience.
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Anticipate his many possible reactions. Be prepared with countermeasures. Suggested responses: "I need to think about that." "I'm sorry you feel that way" "yes/no" "What is your question for me?" "You need to discuss this later when you aren't angry." "That must be frustrating for you." "I'm sure you'll find a way to fix your problem."
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Keep your sense of humour and perspective. Expect immature behaviour.
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Involve police at every indication of danger or violation of your rights
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Never ask him for anything, never offer or do anything for him, and never accept anything offered. Make them ask and say 'no'. That's our secret weapon.
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Abusers are clever actors, appear pitiful and in need of help, and the gullible fall for this. Don't feel sorry or pity him - he's amazingly self sufficient.
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Don't be ambushed by an abuser's demands for a response.
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Getting the silent treatment? “Let me know when you feel like talking." Act like no big deal. Expect childish behaviour.
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In negotiations, state something he must do first before you do your part
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Prize your financial and emotional independence. Make it your goal
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Alert friends, neighbors/employer that you are having difficulty ending a relationship, adding that your abuser may try to harass or contact you through them
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Why be involved with an abuser at all? There's a guaranteed poor outcome. Who wants to live with endless chaos, continual verbal armwrestling and soul-destroying putdowns and criticism? Life’s too short
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Play ball when necessary to
avoid unleashing a narcissistic rage His wrath can be severe. Find a way to make it look like the abuser is winning by co-operating. Try telling him what you will do for him when he has co-operated.
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Why engage in battle with the mentally disordered at all? Exposing their defence mechanisms is dangerous. He will protect those viciously. The best strategy is to get him out of your life, and you out of his. Do you allow him to treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in contact will only make you look crazy.
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Know why you are his target
-If you are emotionally vulnerable or easily intimidated, use others to have contact. Another male works best with misogynistic abusers or, someone he won’t want to appear cheap or nasty in front of
-Deal with him in public where he’ll perform for his audience.
-Recognize evasiveness or a silent treatment is a verbal baiting trap set for you.
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Use recording/documenting/witnesses at every opportunity
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If he wants to do a divorce deal 'to save money' - refuse! The cost of doing so will be enormous. Let the lawyer/accountant deal with him.
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If engagement is unavoidable, use the following weapons only
- Mirroring – act like he does. Let him see how he looks. Refuse to bargain or negotiate. Don’t argue with crazy people.
- Let at least 48 hrs. go by before responding. We get amazing clarity in that time.
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Instruct him regarding what you expect. Provide precise details - he won't know otherwise.
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Knock off the emotional stuff to level the playing field. NPs target emotional people, but find emotions scary. Keep that out of discussions.
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Mentally devalueing/discarding abuser will give you a good mental edge.
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Self impose No Contact. Use the ‘Power of Silence’
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Silence is golden. To get a reaction, your abuser will make bizarre comments or questions then wait until you speak. Don't fill the gapping hole of silence in the conversation. Your silence is more effective.
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Always be on mental red-alert when dealing with an abuser or don't deal with him at all. If you are ambushed do not respond to any statements, accusations questions state once only "I need you to stay away from me."
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Exchange the bare minimum information required in a custody agreement.
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Hang up if he phones, don't answer the door, let other people know your need for protection, ask their help. Call the police 1000 times if needed. Recognize intimidation and bluffing tactics. Expect any attempts at discussion and reasoning with the Psychopath/Narcissist to fail. If you do continue to interact with your abuser, people will begin to think that you are both crazy and love the excitement of the follies a deux interaction with the mentally disordered.
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Give him enough rope and he may provide you with the opportunity to record abuse. Courtroom-needed proof of abuse is worth the wait. Be prepared - he won't give you a 2nd chance
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Holiday Contact? Keep a sense of humor and minimize contact.
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Be alert for attempts to bait you - it's an abuser's most effective weapon. It is essential for us to maintain self control, no contact and never abuse our abusers and find personal accountability for our own behaviour.
"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that marriage."
Narcissism Book of Quotes
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